Darkness
by Edengwen
Summary: After Lancer had stabbed him with the potassium chloride he thought it was all over. He wanted it to end. My view on what was going through Colby's head and what happened when he woke up for the first time in hospital. One shot


**Darkness**

It was finally over.

All his work, the hours of pain that he had felt had not been in vein, his mission was finished. He could finally relax. All his pain had gone. He had survived everything that Lancer had thrown at him and now he felt nothing.

Lancer had done what he had promised. He had made sure that he wouldn't say a word about him to Don or counterintelligence. But it was too late, they knew everything. Not even killing him would save him now.

It was a little comfort knowing that he was finally free of the pain filled hell he had been made to suffer for hours with no end in sight. After all, it was a long trip from the US to China. But he knew that as soon as they reacted international waters, they would have thrown his body into the ocean.

Now with the FBI surrounding them he knew that his body would at least be buried in the country he had sacrifice it for. Even if many of the people he trusted didn't trust him. But like he had told Don on the phone, he trusted him. He was one of the few people he completely trusted and he hadn't let him down.

Don had followed his gut like he knew he would and had gotten there in time to stop Lancer and Carter from escaping justice. They both would pay for their crimes. That had been his own personal mission, as soon as he had learnt the truth about Dwayne.

He had been the main reason for him agreeing to the op. He had thought his friend had been forced into the network by someone else, and it was his chance to pay him back for saving his life. But as time went on he only found more nails to put in Dwayne's coffin. Dwayne had shown his true colours. After only a few weeks he had promised himself that he would bring his friend down and make sure that he paid for what he had done. Along with his handlers and the other double agents.

But like so many mission he had been part of nothing had gone to plan. He had never meant to become part of Don's team. He was never meant to grow so close to them that they had become his family. He was meant to be watching them. Watching if they were part of the spy network they were trying to close down or if they and any contact with any other double agents.

Operation Stalking Horse had been set up by Kirkland and a few high agents within counterintelligence. They knew that the spy network not just ran through just the FBI but also the Department of Justice, counterintelligence themselves and even the NSA. It was the reason that Kirkland had chosen him, he was a new face in the agencies. But not the spying world. But he didn't want to think about that now. It was part of his life that he had also hidden from his new family.

Because that was what Don and the team had become to him. They had become like his family. The army had become his family when he had joined and then when he had joined unit, they had become his family. And now the FBI had become his family. It had only took him a couple of weeks to make sure that no one in their office was working with Dwyane. He had reported a few FBI agents that he had found connected to the network, but thankful he didn't know any of the names personally.

Kirkland and him wouldn't have died for nothing. He knew that with him giving Don Kirkland's name meant that Don would go and look for him. However they wouldn't have found the answers they were looking for, instead they would only find Mike's body. But at least Kirkland would be found and given a proper burial.

The one thing that he had that Kirkland didn't at the time of his death was the knowledge that their mission was finally over and it wasn't all for nothing. It just hadn't ended the way the either of them wanted.

He had built friendships with each of his team mates and he knew that they deserved a complete explanation to what had happened and the reasons behind his actions. That his feelings that he had felt for them hadn't been faked. They had been real.

To him, Don had not just become his boss. But it wasn't just that anymore. Don had like David, had become like a brother to him. He was honest in every way and believed in everything he did. But most of all he needed trust. The trust that came with being a good leader and he knew that he had damaged that trust. With every single one of the team but with Don and David the most.

He had wanted to scream to Don in the interrogation and tell him everything. Everything about his op and why he had agreed to go through with it. That his feelings for them had been the truth and not some cover that he had built to maintain his cover.

However something he knew that would happen in the event of his death was his file that he had hidden would be sent to Don. It had been his instance in case he had been left out in the cold. A file regarding Operation Stalking Horse.

Kirkland hadn't told him who else was involved in the op but he knew that whoever was involved was high up in order to make sure no leaks got to their target. But that hadn't stopped Lancer from finding Kirkland. But at least Don and the others would know the truth even if they didn't believe him.  
He had a feeling David would never believe anything he said but at least the file would prove to them that he was only completing his mission. Don, he had a feeling wouldn't stop until he was sure that he had the right answer and with the knowledge that the FBI had come for him meant that at least Don believed him enough to come after him. Even if he was too late to save him, he would at least make sure that his name was cleared of all charges.  
The other regret he felt was not being around to see them go down. They weren't getting away with betraying their country, they had been surrounded by the people he trusted the most other than his old army unit. His team had come for him. It was a little comfort that made everything worth it.

Lancer had failed to complete his mission, he couldn't escape this and if he could laugh he would have at the look on Lancer's face when they were told that they were going to be bordered. His own intelligence and arrogance.

Lancer had been successful in creating a spy network that ran through multiple agencies and had helped sign the death warrants of multiple witnesses however it had been his arrogance that he would not be crossed had been his down fall. He had stupidly listened to Carter about his army file which clearly had gaps that had been easily explained to those who didn't know what they were looking for.

Because his training went beyond a normal private in the US Army. Lancer had been so happy in informing him of every drug and the effects it would have on his system as in pushed them into him. A little comment had come to mind which he made sure did not come out of his mouth was that he could have saved his breath as he knew what was coming. He had been ready for it. However he didn't know what would happen if they were mixed together.

After his first half of his first tour he had been moved away from the rest of CID and counterintelligence and he had been glad that he had never told Dwyane what he had been up too when they had seen each other on base.

He had joined the army to make a difference and with his college degree he was placed in CID, however that was only what his record showed. That was mainly a cover to hide his unit in plain sight. Maybe that was why he was able to hide what he was doing from well trained investigators.

Something he hated that fact, the fact that he was good at lying to those who clearly cared for him. However at the same time, it was that training that had keeping him alive for so long. He had withstood torture before; which he had been glad that those details had not made their way into his normal army file. He hadn't broken last time, he had not uttered a word or even a sound then. He had survived that.

But that was only because of Joe and the rest of his team had been there for his team. They had found him and had made sure that they got to him in time. His unit had been his family, they still were however after leaving them he had not seen or stayed in touch with nearly all of them. Only Joe, and he hadn't even told him about his mission.

However he was alone. Don might have trusted him enough to come after him but he had a feeling that many of the others still thought he was a traitor.

To be truthful with himself, he never thought he would die like this. With his family thinking he had betrayed his country. Also he had been shot, stabbed, blown up a few times and survived a helicopter crash and had survived all of that only to die here.

In the end he was going to die from an injection of potassium chloride delivered by a traitor. The only good thing about it was that it meant a painless death.

Everything just went blank and he was free.

He had completed his job, now it was up to Don and the others to clean house of all the other spies and traitors. He was done. Done with everything. He just wanted to forget everything and just sleep.

He was finally in the darkness that he longed for. He was done.

/-/

Silence. He was finally alone. But he wasn't in darkness anymore. He could feel the soft sun on his face and a warm soft breeze slowly brush over him. This place felt familiar. Like he had been here before.

He opened his eyes to see a bright blue sky with the odd cloud above him. It was a perfect day, and it was nothing like the weather in LA. He found himself laid on a patch of grass outside a house.

Turning his head towards the house he recognized it immediately. He was laid outside his family farm. He got too his feet and looked at the house he had once called home. Once being the word, for years the farm had become less like the home he remembered. It had started directly after his father's death. His mother never fully got over her husband's death and if it hadn't been for family friends and his grandparents they would have lost her too.

When he left to join the army, he had silently said his final goodbyes to the farm knowing that he would never return. The woods that surrounded the farm had been his only escape after his father's death. To be honest with himself, he preferred spending his time in the mountains and away from the cities. It was one of the reasons he got on so well Ian Edgerton.

When he had been younger, him and his father would spend a couple of weeks up at the lake and woodland. His mother didn't like him spending so much time up there however that was some of his best memories.

"Colby?" A voice came from behind him. He knew that voice however he had not hear it since that fateful weekend when he was fifthteen.

"Dad?" He responded turning to see his father. He looked the same. As close as he could remember. He stood there with his old dark green shirt that he always wore when they were out camping. It was like no time had past. He felt every emotion that had built up over the last few years came out all at once.

All he could do was step towards his father and found himself pulled into a bone crushing hug. He felt the tears start to fall from his eyes. He closed them and allowed himself to fall into his father's arm like he use to do as a kid. He buried his head into his father's shoulder.

He missed this. He had hated the fact that he had grown up without his father when many of his friends had.

He felt his father's hand run over his head and through his hair. He missed this, being with the man who had made him the man he was today. When he had lost his father, it had destroyed him. His childhood had ended that day when his uncle who had been the local sheriff, turned up at their door with the news of his father's accident.

"You're not meant to be here. Not yet." His father whispered in his ear. He felt his father pull away from him but kept hold of his arms, like he did not want to let go either. "You're not meant to be here yet, Colby."

Wiping away the tears that scared his face he looked at his father directly in his father's eyes. "I did everything right dad. I did what I thought was right, I needed to stop them. And I still lost dad. I fought and I lost. I lost everything. I lied to everyone for so long I don't even know who I am anymore." He said pulling away from his father and turned away from the man who was his hero.

He had lost everything already so there was no point fighting it anymore.

"Colby look at me." His father asked watching his son walk away from him. Colby did not respond. Nor did he turn.

"You haven't lost everything son. You still have a life that is worth fighting for. People who care for you, who love you. You still have so much ahead of you that you will miss." He listened to his father's words but still couldn't look at him. After all this time he was still afraid to see the look of disappointed look in his father's eyes. The same look he had seen in Don's eyes when he had confessed.

After a couple of seconds of silence, found himself being turned and held by his father so the two of them looked each other in the face. "You survived Afghanistan, you survived all those injuries, you survived your FBI training and all those ops you completed in that time. You can survive this."

Colby looked confused at his father's words, how did he knew all of this? And more so his op work.

His father saw this written clearly all over his son's face and he couldn't help but laugh. "You don't think I have been watching you all this time. I am so proud of you Colby. You have done things I only could dream of, and have saved so many lives by your actions never forget that. Yes you have lost people but that is what happens. Remember me telling you about my time in the army?"

Colby was listening to all of his father's words and he nodded at the question knowing what his father was getting at. His father had started to tell him more about his service when he had lost his job.

"Colby, I am so proud of you. Never forget that you are only human and you can't save everyone. And more so when they don't want saving. Remember everything that I taught you and you can deal with everything that they throw at you. Never forget who you are. Colby, you are my son and you are good. A better man that I could ever be." Colby heard every word and soon he found himself again in his father's arms.

Then suddenly a spark exploded over their heads. Something was happening.

"Dad what is going on?" He asked, knowing that he sounded just he had when he was a child and all he wanted was his father.

"They are calling you back son. Its time." His father replied.

Colby looked scared that that, "no I want to stay with you."

He knew that to everyone that he sounded like a spoilt child that didn't want to leave their parent's side. And to be truthful he didn't care. All he ever wanted was more time with his father. Time that had been ripped away from him.

His father smiled softly and gripped his face with a tear falling from his eyes. "I know son. I wish we had more time. But you are needed there. All I ask if two things?"

Colby nodded, wanting to know what his father wanted of him.

"Go and see your mom when you are strong enough. Don't cut her out of your life. She needs you as much as you need her."

Colby knew what his father was talking about, he hadn't really talked to his mother since he got back from Afghanistan and that conversation was only to tell her that he had finally left the army however the conversation hadn't ended well when he had told her that he was joining the FBI. So he nodded knowing that he was promising his father.

"I promise dad." He remembered what his father had taught him as a child and that was that unless you spoke the promise, you weren't making it.

"And the other thing?" He asked as another brighter flash happened above them.

His father smiled at him and softly kissed his forehead, Colby felt his father's tears on his skin. However he didn't pull fully back to look Colby in the eye, instead he pulled him into a strong hug and then whispered into his ear his last request. He nodded at his father's words and whispered 'I promise.'

And sharp bright light hit them both and all he wanted was a little more time with his father. "I love you son."

Colby smiled and grabbed hold of his father not wanting to let go. "I love you dad."

And those were the last words he would ever say to his father but he was so happy that he had a chance to tell him that.

Everything went white.

And then he was alone again. His father had been ripped from his arms and now he was alone. Again.

/-/

But then he heard something. Voices.

However he couldn't make out what they were saying. They were all overlapping themselves making the crowd that now surrounded him deafening. But it wasn't just the voices, white noise rang along side the voices. Making his brain feel like it was going to explode.

But at the same time the voices were running around him, he was sure that he knew some of them. They were the voices from his past. Everyone he knew, and now their voices were all mixed up in his head.

There were voices of people he hadn't seen in years and there were voices of people he knew where long dead. It was like every memory he had was fighting themselves to shelter him from the pain that he had started to fill all over his body.

He could feel, but how was that possible?

He had watched as Lancer pushed the needle into his heart. There was no way he could have survived that much potassium chloride. He was dead, he saw his father.

"Colby…?"

A voice was made him stop, he stopped fighting back the pain that now was surrounding him. He knew that voice, but he didn't understand why she was here. Why was she with him?

A beeping noise brought him back into the land of the living, it was repeating itself every couple of seconds. Like a heart beat and it was quickly increasing with every breath. The smell of disinfectant filled his nose along with a cool gas that was around his mouth. He was in a hospital. He knew that and he guessed he was on oxygen. He hated hospitals.

"Colby are you awake?" The voice called to him again. Megan. Her voice was now clearer. However he still didn't understand why he would be sat in his hospital with him. He had betrayed her, just like the others. She should hate him, and not want to be anywhere near him.

"Come on, open those blue eyes of yours?" She added with a cheeky tone, he knew that voice very well and it was normally said with a smile. He knew that she was smiling. He would have joined her in that smile if his body didn't hurt this much. He knew that he had a high pain threshold, however this was starting to annoy him.

He wanted to open his eyes, if only to see if he was handcuffed to the bed but also to see Megan. His whole body felt like it was weighed a couple of hundred pounds heavier than he knew he was. And the same was said for his eyelids. They were like they were chained down stopping him from opening them.

He finally however managed to open them only a little but it was enough for a bright light to cause his head to nearly exploded. A hot pain burned through his eyes and into his skull. He tried to pull his head away from the light however found that the oxygen mask that only a few seconds ago was thankful was now stopping him from moving away from the pain.

Even the smallest movement, however small caused his whole body to scream in pain. He heard his heart machine start to race along with his heart. Why hadn't they given him stronger painkillers? He thought, hadn't he been tortured enough.

"I'm sorry Colby. Here the lights off, please try again?" Megan's voice came back. Her voice was full of apologies that she hadn't thought the light would hurt him. Like she cared. But she shouldn't, he had lied to her so why did she feel sorry for him. Nothing made any sense.

He tried opening his eyes again and waited for them to focus before moving them to look at Megan who sat on his right. Holding his hand. As comforting this was meant to be proved false at this very moment. Her holding his hand was sending electrical shocks from his fingertips to his arm and then to his chest.

He knew that it wasn't Megan herself causing this pain but the quinuclidinyl benzilate that was still very much in his blood system. Lancer had described it as if a pinprick felt like being stabbed. And wasn't that true.

"Hey." He whispered through the mask, remembering not to move any of his body which didn't hurt.

Megan smiled and looked at Colby like she was so happy to see him, like he was her favorite person. "Hey there. You gave us a hell of a scare Colby." She said looking into his eyes, she knew that he was fighting staying away. It was clearly written all over his face.

"Lancer?" Colby asked, he needed to know that he was safe. And he didn't ust mean from his torture. Lancer was the head of the network, with him still at large he was in danger. He and Kirkland both knew that.

Megan's face fell and looked towards the end of the room like she was looking to someone to tell her what to do before then turning back to him before speaking. "He's dead Colby, you don't have to worry about him now. You need to rest."

Someone moved in the corner of the room causing him to dart his eyes to the sound. Someone had gotten too their feet but they were too far in the darkness of the room for him to make out who it was. Colby's eyes checked both of his wrists to find them not cuffed to the bed.

"You believed me?" He asked the room, his eyes watching carefully the person who stood near the door before turning to Megan. He wore a soft smile but he was too tired to tell if she truly believed him. So he added quickly before she spoke. "Did you find Kirkland?"

Megan turned back to the other person in the room, but Colby's eyes did not leave Megan's face. He needed to know that his handler had been found, and he wasn't rotting somewhere. He wouldn't have put it past Lancer to do that as Colby and Kirkland was the only people in his way of what he wanted.

"Yer Colby…" The voice said from the shadows. He knew that voice too, his eyes quickly moved to see Don moving to his left. Don was there with him as well. Which meant he could at least see how disappointed he truly was with him.

"We found Kirkland, counterintelligence made sure his body was taken good care of before sending him home." Don said looking his agent over. He looked better than last time he had seen him. He had been called away from the hospital by the director of the FBI, Counterintelligence, NSA and every other agencies who had the job of cleaning up the mess he had finished by bording a chinese flagged ship. And he had told them all that if he hadn't the chinese would have successfully killed an american federal agent.

Colby nodded and closed his eyes. He couldn't see Don's eyes clearly so he couldn't see if he was still disappointed in him for what he had done. Also they were avoiding answering his first question so he didn't hold much hope. If they didn't trust him now they never would.

"And yes we do believe you." Don's statement caused Colby's eyes to snap back open and looked into Don's eyes. It took a moment but he could tell that Don wasn't lying to him, they had believed him. Well Don and Megan had.

"Colby, I'm just sorry we didn't get there sooner. I knew something was wrong but I just followed the evidence and all of that said you were guilt. I didn't think there was any other explanation. Didn't look for one. And because of that, we almost lost you for good. If me and David hadn't performed CPR on you, you wouldn't be here." At the end of Don's explanation they all sat in silence as Colby took in what his boss that said to him.

"But like Megan said, get some rest one of us will be with you at all times and when and only when you feel up to it we will talk about what happened. OK?" Don added seeing the look in Colby's eyes. He had wanted to see that his friends had come for him. That he wasn't still hallucinating. They had been warned of the effects of the drug's Lancer had used on him just in case they had to help the doctors with him.

However the one thing that was playing around in his head was that David had believed him enough to come after him and to help save his life. On the other hand, David wasn't with them, meaning that he hadn't forgiving him. But that was fine with him. He didn't think that he would forgive himself if he was David. Or Don or Megan. He would have to take it one step at a time to see if their friendship could be fixed. But he knew that it would be unlikely that he would be allowed to stay on Don's team after what had happened.

Colby nodded to Don's comment about getting some sleep and closed his eyes once again knowing that no one else was going to say something to him. His body wanted sleep and now he knew that his friends were watching his back he could relax a little.

"Thanks for coming for me." He muttered as he fell back into the darkness of sleep. Now that he knew Megan and Don had believed him he could deal with anything. He had his family, just like what his father had told him. He had something to fight for.


End file.
